Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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