I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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