Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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