Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
