Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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