I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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