I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
