I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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