I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
