yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
