Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
