Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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