Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize