Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
