I can text with my tongue
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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