grandma shit on top of the toilet
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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