Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
