I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
