my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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