dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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