Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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