I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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