I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
