so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
