I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
