Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
