I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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