Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
