A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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