Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
