i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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