I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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