The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
