Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
