Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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