Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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