the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Do vagina's smell?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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