i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
