His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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