3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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