Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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