I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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