Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
