hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
