You made me cry and you don't even care
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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