i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
