Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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