im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Help. Why am I so naked?
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