I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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