I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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