also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
