someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
