Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
