I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
