She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Green mimosas i think yes
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i am craving dick and cupcakes
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
