dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
