she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
