My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
