you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Randomize
