thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
