i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
