I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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