remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
