Christians are straight up FREAKS
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
