Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
