Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
