you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
