Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
