people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
